how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
