miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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