good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
