Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
