Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
it's like heaven, but drunker
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
