new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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