last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i think i have herpe
just one?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
