I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
