Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
