If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
