in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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