Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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