I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
