I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
