Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Welp...herpes.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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