i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
