Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
