I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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