when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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