So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just had sex on a roof
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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