i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
