I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
