yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
