I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
