it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
