He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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