RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
