Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
