I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize