Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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