Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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