I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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