he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
