there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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