I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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