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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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