Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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