piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
