I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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