I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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