im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
