I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
