i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
