these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
