so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
