Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
