I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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