i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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