Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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