What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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