Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
God I need to hump something, right now.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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