I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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