I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
