I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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