I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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