I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
