He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
