and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
